A continuation of my Week 6 Story:
Years had passed since Sugriva and Vali had battled at their school dance. Vali was nowhere to be found by the people, but Vali knew exactly where he would be. Vali knew Sugriva resided in the far away city of Kishkindha. Vali wanted his revenge, but he did not quite know how to defeat his younger brother.
Years had passed since Sugriva and Vali had battled at their school dance. Vali was nowhere to be found by the people, but Vali knew exactly where he would be. Vali knew Sugriva resided in the far away city of Kishkindha. Vali wanted his revenge, but he did not quite know how to defeat his younger brother.
At first, Vali tried to get this so called hero Rama to
defeat his brother. The plan was perfect, Vali distracts Sugriva while the
hiding Rama shoots his magical bow and arrow into Sugriva. The plan was
flawless until Vali learned of what he would have to help Rama with.
“Rama, if you complete this task I will forever be in your
service. What do you wish of me once my evil brother is defeated”?
Rama replied with the only request Vali would not help with.
“Vali, my beloved wife has been kidnapped by the ten-headed Ravana. Her name is
Sita and I miss her beautiful face every day”.
Vali could not face his once true love. He was scared of
what Sita would say once they saw each other. Especially if the avatar of
Vishnu himself found out Vali loved his beloved wife. “Rama I am sorry but I
cannot help you find Sita for reasons I will not tell.”
Source: Rama and Vali Meeting
With utter disappointment, Vali left Rama to find another
way to gain revenge on his brother. As he swung back to his tree house, a
celestial being appeared out of nowhere. With a mystical voice, the being told
Vali the story of a magical pond.
“Vali, my friend. There once was a group of brothers that
were princes. Their names were the Pandavas. These brothers were exiled from their kingdom and wondered the
forest with their mother. All of the brothers were so thirsty one day that I,
The Voice, tricked all of these brothers into drinking my poisonous water. I am
who you need for your revenge. I will help you on one condition. You must come
back every day and give me company for a single hour. If you do not do
accompany me, you will face a deathly consequence.”
“I will do whatever you desire.” Vali replied to The Voice.
Source: Pandavas and the Poison Water
As soon as he agreed to the plan, the yaksha vanished.
Meanwhile, Sugriva, in hiding, awoke from a slumber to a magical voice. The
Voice spoke sweet words to lure Sugriva to the poisonous pond. As Sugriva
reached the pond, he took the water into his hands and drank a quick drink of
the refreshing water. The poison filled all of his veins. As Sugriva laid their
dying in total shock of what had happened, Vali walked out of the bushes to
look his brother in his face.
“Sugriva, my brother, you do not look very well. I told you
that I would get revenge one day, and that day is today. Goobye Sugrvia.”
Vali had gotten his revenge with the help of The Voice. No longer
would his brother walk the earth. With a bit of remorse, Vali quickly left the
pond to head back home, completely forgetting about The Voices deal….
To be continued…..
Author’s Note: I mixed the two epics that we read this
semester: The Mahabharata and The Ramayana. The timeline is changed from the original
story because Vali had not gotten revenge against his brother until after the
Pandavas have died. Also, I made all of the Panadvas brother dying instead of
Yudishthira saving all of the brothers. Also, I included The Voice in my story because
I felt he was key in the Mahabharata. The celestial being seems to like making
deals with people, therefore I made Vali make a deal with him in order to kill
his brother. The Voice ends up killing Sugriva by the poisonous pond instead of
Rama killing him with his bow and arrow. I did not like the way Rama killed
Sugriva so this allowed me to avoid these actions of Rama. Furthermore, I
changed the fact that Vali did not fight Sugriva one on one, but however, hid
inside the bushes until after he drank the poisonous water. I plan on
continuing this story and finally have Vali meet up with Sita again, along with
Rama.
Bibliography:
The prose is from Indian Myth and Legend by Donald A. Mackenzie (1913), and the verse is from Mahabharata, Epic of the Bharatas,
by Romesh C. Dutt (1898).
Weblink: The Mahabharata
Hey Trevor, you did a great job of making variance with your paragraphs, however some of them are a bit too long. Especially a line of text that is a paragraph long, you should tighten that up. Paragraphs that are too long are overwhelming to your reader. You did put a good amount of dialogue into your story, which is always a good thing. And you also did a great job of retelling a story in your own way. I liked how you mixed the two epics together.
ReplyDeleteOh, and one more thing, I would seperate your Author's Note into different paragraphs--it's a lot easier to read that way. Make each paragraph have a new, same topic.
Hi Trevor,
ReplyDeleteYou did a good job with this story. I love that it will be continued. I want to know what happens when Vali comes across the Voice again. I think you did a good job with providing a bit of background to the reader about why Sugriva dies in the Author's note. I do agree with Lore that it seems a bit long and breaking it up might help. Then again, I need to do that as well. Good job :) Can't wait to read more.
Hey Trevor,
ReplyDeleteThis was a wonderful read, you did a great job! I really like the structure of your story in terms of how there is a good mix of dialogue and narrative. I think that your author's note provides a great insight to how your story plays out. I am going to have to read the next story because it leaves me hanging haha. Great work, Trevor!
Hello Trevor, that is an interesting idea combining the two Epics.I do not think that any other person in the course has done this and it makes sense to do this depending on your timeline and how true you are staying to the original material. But your story is pretty interesting and I can tell that you take a lot of creative liberties with the narrative as well.
ReplyDelete